USUK? Oh, Nay Nay
by Remote-Controlled Button
Summary: Out in the fanfiction world, there are a lot of USUK fics. Certain plot elements start to repeat themselves. They will be featured here.
1. Chapter 1

Hee hee. I'm writing about story elements that commonly show up in USUK fanfictions. Why? Because I can!! First up:

**America Gives England a Headache. The Stupider America is Being, the Worse England's Headache**

"Is America late to his own meeting?", asked England. America had called him, France, and Japan to a 'really super important meeting that's really super important', but was nowhere to be seen.

"No, Iggy, I most certainly am here!", yelled America. The nations looked around, but America still wasn't in the room.

"Bloody hell. Quit hiding and get on with it."

"Okay!" America burst into the room.

"Uh... L'Amerique? What the hell are you wearing?"

America looked down at his outfit. "Don't you like it?" He was wearing a white T-shirt that had a pink rodent juggling on the front of it, bright yellow skinny jeans, and socks on his hands. "Bill Nye the Science Guy told me to wear it. He also told me that the sky is blue because if it was purple, it would belong to the Martians. And also-"

A scream of pain cut him off. England was on the floor with his head in his hands. "Make it stop. For the love of all that is holy, please make him stop!"

Japan turned to America with a hint of a smirk on his face. "See?"

America walked over and nudged England with his toe. "Wow. You were right. So that's..."

"Ten dollars."

"Pardon me", interjected France. "What exactly is going on?"

"We made a bet that involved England in pain. I thought you'd like to watch", answered America.

"You were right, thank you."

"Sure thing."

England aimed a halfhearted kick at America before crawling off in search of some painkillers.


	2. Chapter 2

Another thing that always seems to happen when America is around?

**America Makes England Spill His Tea**

England giggled evilly as he taped saran wrap over the last exposed part of his house. He was finally done! Never again would that bloody American make him stain any of his items with tea. And with his recent investment in an oversized water proof jacket, his clothes would be just as safe as his house. The doorbell rang. England jumped in surprise, then hurried off to answer the door. His visitor was America, who bounded in house cheerfully before looking around.

"England..?"

"Yes, America?"

"What happened to your house?"

"I covered it in saran wrap."

"Yeah, I noticed. But _why?_"

"It's simple really. You see-"

"Did the fairies tell you to do it?"

"As a matter of fact, the fairies did _not_ tell me to do it, but they seemed to agree that it was a good idea."

America placed his hand on England's forehead. "That's funny. You don't have a fever... So you've finally cracked."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You finally lost it."

"I've not lost anything, thank you very much, I merely covered all my belongings in saran wrap to protect them from you and your tea spilling powers."

"What?!"

"Come into the kitchen. I'll show you."

America warily followed England into his kitchen, staring in awe. England hadn't missed a single inch of his house. "I don't get it", he said as England started to boil some water.

"Just wait. You'll see."

"I get to watch you drink tea?"

"Oh, I'm not going to drink it."

"Then why are you bothering to boil the water?"

"Because shut up."

They stood in silence until England finished making the tea and poured some into a cheap teacup.

"Okay. Now say something American. Think carefully."

America pondered England's request. His eyes lit up and he took a deep breath. "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"

The teacup flew out of England's hand and shattered against the floor, sending tea and porcelain shards flying everywhere. "See? With the saran wrap, everything in my house remains protected!" He then started to laugh hysterically.

Wide-eyed, America backed out of the room and made a mad dash for the door, nearly smacking into France, who had hoped to slip in quietly and maybe molest England while he wasn't paying attention. "He's lost it!", yelled America as he headed to his car. "Lost it I tell you!"

France ignored him and went in anyway. "Angelterre? What happened to your house?"


	3. Chapter 3

America charges into England's house unannounced, just as England is stepping out of the shower or waking up, revealing that...

**England Wears Boxers Printed With the Union Jack**

America pounded on England's door, ignoring the fact that it was 2:00 am and any sane person was asleep. He just stood there abusing England's door until it swung open revealing an angry and, more importantly, shirtless nation. "What the bloody hell do you want, America?"

"I missed you!" America bounded into England's house, which was no longer covered in saran wrap. America and France had broken in a while ago and removed it all. "Wait a second... Are you wearing American flag boxers?"

"Why yes. Yes I am. These are my favorite pair, actually."

"Aw, Iggy!" America pulled England into a tight hug. "I knew you cared about me!"

England wriggled out of the tight grip "That's not why I wear these."

"What? What other reason could you possibly have?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" asked England with a dangerous smile.

"Sure I do!"

"Well, America, I wear American flag boxers for a very special reason. I wear these boxers so that every time I sit down, it's like I'm crushing you under my ass." America just stared for a bit before turning on his heel and heading for the door. "Where are you going?"

"To get some Union Jack boxers!"

Isn't it much more interesting this way?


	4. Chapter 4

Um... An apology? I'm lazy, so I didn't update. That's all. And here is where I'm thanking my... readers, reviewers, subscribers, and favers! Thanks, you guys!

American baby blues are apparently irresistible to certain green eyed Brits.

**America's Puppy Dog Eyes Will Make England Do Anything**

"I'm not sure I follow, Angelterre. You broke your wrist because L'Amerique has blue eyes?"

"It's more complicated than that, frog", snapped England. "Wait... How the hell did you get into my house? I locked the door!"

"Never mind that! Do not think of me as your enemy. Think of me as your concerned friend, who would like to know what L'Amerique's eyes have to do with your broken wrist."

England sighed and began to explain.

[Fffffff~LASHBAAAACK!]

"Hey, England, will you do me a favor?", asked America innocently.

"It depends. What's the favor?"

"Well... I learned from a certain source that hydrogen and oxygen create a really cool explosion when you catch 'em on fire, so I was wondering-"

"NO!"

"You didn't let me finish!", protested America. "Somebody told me that hydrogen and oxygen make a really cool explosion when you light them on fire, so I was wondering if you would test out a bike jump for me."

"You know, even if I would have been previously inclined to say 'yes', I wouldn't now, because your very presence has given me a headache."

"Aw, come on, Artie!" America widened his eyes and batted his eyelashes while sticking out his lower lip.

Looking at America's unbelievably cute face, England tried to resist the inevitable, clamping his hands over his mouth. "Mmph. N-n- Sure, let's go."

"All right! Thanks, England!"

"Whatever."

"Let's go!" America began tugging England toward his own back yard.

"America? Shouldn't we be getting on a plane to your place?"

"Huh? Oh, nah, I've been secretly building it in your back yard. I had a little help from Tony."

"Bloody brilliant. Does that- Oh my God." England's jaw dropped as he saw America and Tony's bike jump. Instead of the typical ramp on the ground, this jump required a ladder to get to the top a home made hill that slanted downward nearly vertically before curving up at bottom. "Trying this would be suicide! You said you built a bike jump, not a bloody skate park! Bloody hell! Suicide, d'you hear me? A-and I don't even own a bike!"

"That's okay! I brought one. It's on top of the hill.'

"With a helmet?"

"Dude, if you screw up on this, I don't really think a helmet's gonna help you", laughed America, slapping England on the back.

"Oh my God."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get up there!"

England slowly advanced the ladder and climbed up. True to America's word, there was a bicycle at the top, and nothing else. "Okay, whenever you're ready!", yelled America from the ground. England swallowed and mounted the bicycle.

"Ah, so you broke your wrist on the landing of the jump?"

"Let me finish."

"You mean that's not it?"

"Do you want to know or not?"

France shut up.

"O-okay, I guess I'm going now", England called back to the ground.

"This is gonna be so awesome!"

England pushed off the ramp. Instantly, he was barreling downward, the wind whipping his hair around his face. And there it was: the curve upward. And then he was in the air- Holy shit was he upside down? How was he going to survive a landing upside down? Wait, was that the neighbors' pool? Was that the _neighbors_? With a splash, England was under water. He abandoned the bike and swam to the edge of the pool, mentally preparing a massive apology to his neighbors. He fully expected them to be angry with him.

"Hahahaha! Oh man, that was kickass!" Wait. That was an American accent, but that most certainly was not America. His neighbors were American? "See dude? I _told_ you moving to Britain was a good idea!" Shaking, England removed himself from the pool. Leaving the bike, he slowly walked back to his house, preparing the most vicious tongue lashing he'd ever given. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice America until he was on the taller nation's shoulders.

"Oh my God! Iggy, you are a fucking legend! That was so awesome!"

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

"Huh? Didn't you have fun?"

"I- Well, I guess I did." To his astonishment, England found himself laughing. "I survived! Let's celebrate with rum!"

"Can we get ice cream, too?"

"Whatever."

"But first can we go get my bike back? You're already soaking wet."

"Oh yeah. Sure, let's go get your bike!"

"You're fun when you're jacked up on adrenaline!"

"Why, thank you."

England's neighbors were still laughing about the 'crazy dude who fell out of the sky', and didn't mind at all when England jumped back in their pool to retrieve America's bike. He wheeled it back out to the street where America was waiting. "Great! Now let's go get some ice cream!"

England nodded. Then the bike hit a rock, sending the front wheel into America's crotch. America fell sideways, as did the bike, which also pulled down the unsuspecting England. "Damn it, Iggy, that hurt!"

"Fuck, I think I broke my wrist."

"My bike better be okay."

"My fingers are going numb."

"I think the frame is scratched!"

"You'd better drive me to the emergency room, git."

"Can we get ice cream first?"

"Hell no! Hello, my wrist is fucking broken!"

"Pleeeeaaaaaase?" America turned his expression back into his puppy dog eyes, a small tear sliding down his cheek.

"Fine."

"You're that pathetic, Angelterre? L'Amerique has got you wrapped around his finger!", laughed France.

"Shut up, stupid frog! What about the time you were in the hospital for a week because Canada-"

"Look at the time, I should go. Nice visiting you, Angelterre!" France didn't bother England about his wrist any more after that.


	5. Chapter 5

America surprises Iggy with a visit. But he can't just knock like a normal person. No,

**America Abuses England's Door**

Sighing as he spilled his tea, England walked to his front door, which was currently being pounded on by an overzealous American, who was also yelling at the top of his lungs. "ENGLAND! I'M BORED! ENTERTAIN ME, ARTIE!"

England swung the door open and narrowly avoided being hit in the nose with one of America's wildly swinging fists. "Watch it, you wanker! Why do you always feel the need to attempt to beat the shit out of my door?"

America shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't tell me all Americans knock like that."

"Like what?"

"Do I really have to teach you how to knock on a door properly?"

"Apparently", said America indifferently.

"Come outside with me." America obeyed, watching as England closed the door and lightly rapped on it with one fist.

"England, there's nobody inside, why are you knocking?"

England slapped his forehead. "Unbelievable. I'm teaching you how to knock properly. You're not attempting to beat it down, you merely want to catch the attention of whoever's inside. Try it."

America stepped up to the door. Turning his fist sideways, he pounded hard multiple times.

"No! No, no, no! Tap on the door with your knuckles." America drew back his fist and punched the door.

"Ow! What the hell, England? That hurt!"

"This is not going how I hoped it would."

"You're telling me! Look, I'm bleeding!"

"You're one to talk! I broke my wrist because of you! _And_ you made me get you ice cream before we went to the hospital!"

"You volunteered to do that!"

"Shut up!"

"Can I at least have a band-aid?"

"Come on in."

America left shortly after he cleaned up his hand, and England didn't hear from him for a few weeks. In fact, he'd almost completely forgotten about the incident until he heard a single thud followed by "ow, dammit!" England ignored America, pulling a piece of paper and a pen toward himself. He was planning on publishing a book entitled The Art of Knocking. If no else bought a copy, he was confident that America would.

Thud. "Shit! England, open your door. My hand hurts!"

Well, hopefully.


	6. Chapter 6

**Have I Insulted You?**

England and America get into some form of argument.

Sorry about the delay, if any of you were actually anticipating this chapter. . English 10 CP kind of took my confidence and snapped it in half. And also I've been lazy. Veeeerrry, veeerrry lazy. Any of you guys attend Kumoricon 2010?

"Well fine, jerk!" America turned on his heel and prepared to storm away from yet another argument with England when a derisive laugh stopped him.

"'Jerk'? You always use that one. Can't you come up with anything better?"

"Excuuuuuuuse me, asshole."

"That's 'arsehole'!"

"Jerk off!"

"Twat!"

"Douche bag."

"Cunt." The argument had become less of an actual argument, and more of an insult contest.

America smiled grimly. "Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me handsome, what the hell happened to you?"

England tossed his head and smirked. "A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you, my friend, can kiss my ass!"

America adopted a look of mock amazement. "God! If you're gonna act like a dick, at least wear a condom on your head so you can look like one."

England softened his glare and in a breathy tone said, "I want you... I need you... to get get out of my face!"

"Yeah well, talking to you is about as appealing as the thought of playing leapfrog with unicorns!"

"That was a low blow! There's nothing wrong with unicorns! I bet they'd make great leapfrog partners!"

"Just because you take it up the ass." America smiled, clearly impressed with his comeback. In response, England snapped his fingers. "Scaryyyy", mocked America. England smiled serenely. Seconds later, America received a unicorn horn in a very sensitive place.

All the insults, from the rhymes onward, I found on the internet.


End file.
